Preventative Maintenance

So, y'all know how I'm always like, "oh you know, I'm just bored here at headquarters?"  Well, check this shit out...today: we've got what the IT guys call "an outage". And you know what that means? That means the lines are down. That means my email doesn't work. That means my internet doesn't work. That means my phone isn't ringing. That means I've just been spun into a level of boredom that I've never seen before. Seems like maybe I see a pattern; it was just Friday that I was spun into a level of pissed off that I've never seen before.  But that's neither here, nor there.

Today, in this Chronicle, I want to talk about what it means to be a best friend. I even googled it because one: google knows everything; and two: I like to be educated before I open my big fat mouth - which, sadly, isn't a trait that many possess. But again, that's neither here, nor there.

According to google, this is what a best friend is:

- "Best friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or to talk about the most important things in your life. When you're sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs. They are the shoulder to cry on because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases, they would take a bullet for you because it would be too painful for them to watch you get hurt.  Many people, not all, go through different best friends throughout life. However, usually a person only has one real, true best friend in all their time. A best friend is not only someone that you have a good time with, they are also someone you believe you can trust your life with. A best friend is almost like real family, a best friend gives the opinions that you usually care the most about. A best friend is the one who tells things that you absolutely need to hear, regardless of whether or not you want to hear it. A best friend is the person you can be around and never get sick of. A best friend is someone you don't envy, and is the person you are most grateful for.  Your real, true best friend is your comfort zone."

I'm pretty sure that google hit the figurative nail on its figurative little head...not like the time it told me that my itchy ankle meant that I had the gout; not like the time it told me that smelling onions meant that I had a brain tumor...this time - it's right on point. A best friend is exactly what google just told me it was.

In accordance with my plight to make the world a better place, I wanted to put this definition out there for those of you who carry the title of someone's "best friend". Please read and use this to tune yourself up a bit, you know - preventative maintenance never hurts. Truth is, sometimes best friends get rusty. Sometimes best friends start to misfire. And sometimes best friends begin to knock and eventually throw a piston rod straight the fuck through the engine block...and at that point - they've become nothing but an oily mess that needs to be cleaned up and a best friend that needs to be replaced.  So, if you are indeed someone's best friend, you owe it to your counterpart to keep yourself in good running condition. Nobody wants a piece of junk as a best friend - trust me on this one.

"The world is not fair, and often fools, cowards, liars, and the selfish hide in high places." 

- Bryant H. McGill