Duct Tape?

I'm positive that I have an idiot magnet in me. (<---please take note of that clever shit right there: positive & magnet, in the same sentence...brilliance.) 

I've decided that most people are either too lazy use their God-given brains, or that the majority of people are just born stupid. A wise man once said that you can't fix stupid, not even with duct tape... but I sure feel like I could shut some folks up with a nice fresh roll. 

So, here at headquarters - we've got a shortage of HR personnel. It's like a drought. We've seriously gone from an 8 man team down to a 2 man team in a matter of months. Needless to say, there's a lot of crap to do and not very many folks left to do it. With that being said, I've been nominated for and accepted some HR duties temporarily until the team recruits some more players. No big deal - I'm smart, I can push these papers all day long. Here's the trouble: the temporary lady that has stepped in from an outside company to be our HR's Head Honcho - isn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box. I mean, the lights are on - but I'm looking around and I'm thinking that nobody's home. Usually after about three dumb occurrences with one person I tend to apply a different attitude when interacting with them, and for the record that attitude does include a permanent look on my face that could damn near spell "WTF" all by itself. And that's where I'm at with this woman. WTF.  

The first dumb occurrence happened the day I met Honch. She had been in an office that's close to my desk working on some things. She marched out of the office over to my desk, and asked me if I would walk some papers down to Health Services for her. First thing's first, they were HER papers that SHE needed to get across the building...to me, that meant it needed to be HER little happy feet that took them there. Second thing's second, I'm chained to this desk. I have to have coverage to go pee. I've got a phone to answer and a door to watch - can't very well do either one of those things from across the building. To do that for her, I would have had to track someone down to come sit at my desk and do my job so that I could then, and only then, go do hers. uh, NERP! Anyhow, I explained this second thing business to her...and she says to me again, "Sooooo, you can't just run this down there for me?" Jesus Earl Crest. I give up. I quit life. 

After that occurrence, I was giving the temporary responsibilities and in turn, ended up having to kinda work for Honch a little. They wanted me to help schedule interviews, help with job postings, and help with getting the new hire's paperwork down to the business office. All sounded easy-peasy to me - but first I would need to be shown the proper way to do such things, and be given the resources to do them. Honch was supposed to call me that Thursday and go over the ins and outs but she never called. THEN, she needed me. And guess what? I couldn't help her. And THEN she needed me again, and...I still couldn't help her. And THEN she calls my boss. OH NO, HONCH DIDN'T?! Oh Yes, Honch did. 

Honch tells my boss that she thinks I'm too overwhelmed by the HR duties, and that she doesn't believe that I'm a good candidate to cover the things that they asked of me, because every time they'd asked for help I hadn't been available. Of course, my boss (who is the first boss I've ever had that I didn't want to push down a flight of stairs), straight went to battle for me. He told her that if was lacking in an area then it had to have been because I wasn't properly trained, because for almost two years I'd gone above and beyond and exceeded his expectations in EVERYTHING he'd EVER asked of me. BOOYAH, HONCH! Anyhow, I ended up reassuring the boss man afterwards by letting him know that she had failed to call me to go over things like she said she would, and that I had emailed her not once, not twice, but FOUR different times asking her to provide me with the resources I needed to help. Get the hell outta here, woman.

So at this point, I'm pretty frustrated with her. Hell, who am I trying to kid, if I wasn't required to be nice, she would have already been told a little something about herself. So for a few weeks, I did my HR duties. And then, after that few weeks, I get an email that says: "Oh, you aren't doing this right. You're supposed to do it this way. Put this number on it here. Change this. And do that." Meh. Merp. Ugh. Then, after that fashionably late and high quality emailed training course, I was able to start doing the things the "right" way, three weeks into it. Last week, I sent down the first batch of "right" paperwork, according to Honch's new standards. I even stated in the email that the paperwork now included the correct number in the correct spot and was done exactly the way she requested. She replies back to me, "Did you include the number?" Holy shit. Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? Someone shoot me.  And this lady makes the big bucks. Yeah, y'all chew on that shit for a while. 

And then today, a delivery guy called me because he was supposed to deliver a copier and (...wait for it...) HE  DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THE REAR OF THE BUILDING WAS. I'm being for real y'all, you can't make this shit up. So I sat there for a second or two, remembering that I'm required to be nice, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out a way to answer that question without coming across as a complete ass. Like, what do you even say that? The only thing I could come up with was, "Drive around the building and I'll have someone flag you down." There's totally no hope for humanity.

So, in the future, if you see me somewhere and I'm violently slamming my head into something, it will be because the general public finally drove me insane. And when you see this happening, please do me a solid and duct tape my ass something before I manage to hurt myself? I'd totally return the favor. :)