One Gallon Of Three Idiot Plum

Progress is moving right along with the combining of the households – the two spare rooms are cleared out and are officially ready for paint - we’ve scheduled the paintin’ party for Wednesday and the movin’ party for Saturday. If you leave it up to two determined and independent women to get shit done, guess what? The shit will get done!

Being super cool and awesome we decided that we would let Ms. Sara pick out the color that she wanted her room to be on her own. So yesterday, we piggy backed our paint shopping extravaganza on to another shopping extravaganza that I had previously committed to…and we proceeded to Walmart where they carry - what for it - DISNEY paint.

After chasing the little rambunctious tater tot through Walmart, realizing that at some point somewhere she had removed and lost her shoes, finally getting her to tell us that her shoes were with the “dresses”, going back to search under all the dress racks and eventually finding them….we made it to the Disney paint display. We put her little barefoot hiney literally in the display, and almost immediately her little hand went straight to purple. Fairy Flight or Pixie Purple or something or another, I don’t recall exactly. But we made our way to the actual paint, grabbed a gallon of the brand that corresponded with the Disney stuff and went to the paint counter.

This is where the idiots happen.

At this point, our two shopping extravaganzas have combined, and we now have Ted with us posted up at the paint counter. However, we lack the presence of a Walmart Asshat….er, Associate. We wait there for a little bit and start to get frustrated, so I start banging on the desk with a paint mixer stick thinking that if I caused a commotion someone would notice that we were there and needed help. But no, nothing – there were like crickets chirping and shit. About the time we start considering knocking over a whole display of light bulbs to cause an even bigger commotion…an Asshat comes into view and Duran takes off to snag him.

She returns with not one but two Asshats and we get down to paint mixin’ business….only to find out that the Disney paint is only sold by the quart and the quart costs as much as a whole gallon would otherwise. Insane! And according to these Asshats, there was no way they could mix a gallon of paint that color for us, no way, not at all, and it was seemingly ridiculous that we even had such a blasphemous request. Like, no one would EVER need a GALLON of Disney paint.

As we are standing there having a moment, an Asshat Manager goes meandering by us. The two behind the counter holler at him, and he looks at them and says “There are two you of there, surely you got it.” and he keeps walking. They then ask, “Are you busy?” and he says – really shitty mind you, “I’ve got all kinds of stuff to do!” We all give him the same eyebrows up, wow you are a real douche bag look and he suddenly says. “….unless, of course, a customer needs my assistance.” and he walking comes back to the paint counter. Frustrated, and already having an obvious answer to the problem at hand, Duran grabs the Disney purple, walks over to the normal paint color display, finds the EXACT same color not even a slight shade different, only called “Lavender Flower” this time, takes it back to the counter and is like, “If you can’t do THAT one, then do THIS one.” and smacks it down on the counter top.   

There is a brief silence as they have simultaneous “duh” moments, and then Asshat Manager sends Asshat Cameron to cut fabric for an impatient rude lady, leaving us with half of our original Asshat paint mixin' team - and of course he’s the paint mixin' rookie. This dude, I shit you not, fucked up not one but 2 gallons of paint in 10 minutes! Feeling somewhat defeated, I decide to remove myself from the situation for a moment so I pick Sara up and take off briefly. After trying to stick her in a duct tape display and then a stack of industrial trash cans we chase each other around the isles and then come back to the paint counter to find that someone else is there helping and we are finally getting some damn paint mixed. The new Asshat’s explanation to the rookie Asshat of how to properly use the machine that shakes the shit out of the paint was the smartest thing I’d heard out of anyone in the whole place for over a damn hour and I had to stop myself from applauding.

As we are finally, and hour later, making progress toward getting this little girl some purple paint for her new room, we suddenly hear the Asshat Manager start yelling at some teenagers right down from us, and he comes stomping up the isle all swolt up and billy bad ass like…with a tire lube express technician body guard wearing 6 wallet chains for protection right behind him. As he screams at them because he’d had “two complaints on them from different departments”, and threatens to “throw them out if he sees them do anything out of the ordinary again”…I can’t help but think about how that manager must have been recently promoted, and that if we’d been there to get a gallon of idiot, we would’ve have already been well on our way to Cabela’s because there was definitely no shortage of dumbasses around us. 

I also think that instead of “Lavender Flowers”, we need to call the color that Sara picked “Three Idiot Plum”.