Timeslap.

Okay - so I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that the very first thing I do each day as soon as my eyes open...is grab my phone and check the Timehop app.

 

Timehop is my homeboy for sure -  he just hangs out there on my communicator, stores my memories for me and then reminds me of them at the perfect time...that's pretty fucking amazing if you ask me! I guess when you are a nostalgic person with a sensitive soul, having the opportunity to look back and see what happened on each particular day of your life for however long you've used social media is something you tend to enjoy and actually look forward to.

 

Most days, Timehop doesn't let me down and proves to be good for a laugh, a reason to holler at an old friend, a way to see my life's progress, or a reason to shake my head at my own shenanigans - sometimes even all the above in one day. But then there are those days, though few and far between, when Timehop just unexpectedly "timeslaps" me right in the face. Timehop sometimes be like:


..."Hey, Jcrow! Remember that time when you thought this bitch was cool as fuck on March 13th of 2012... and then she really wasn't?" 


 ...Or, "Hey Jcrow, remember this time 4 years ago when your heart was shattered and you were sitting at home crying all day long?" 


 ...Or "Hey Jcrow, remember that this day last year was the first time your beloved Diesel Ray ever had a seizure?"

 

Yep - those are the ones that I call the "timeslaps".

 

So anyhow - these "timeslaps" got me to thinking a while back - I remember that I was laying in bed contemplating the ways of the world, and I mentioned something about something I'd seen on Timehop and how I missed having several different people around that were readily available to bring me joy in a plethora of ways. There are so many people out there in the world who used to play big parts in my life story - people who just generally made me happy, made me smile, made my day, shared a common interest...people who just straight up enriched my life in one way or another.

 

The trouble is - most of these people eventually ended up destroying parts of me in some way shape or form too. Therefore, they are no longer a part of my life story. I guess that's just my luck though right, that my souls favorite counterparts are normally shitty motherfuckers? Hahaha....anyhow, I was told that night, during that conversation, that I am a horrible judge of character and that's why my dumb ass always ends up with my feelings hurt.

 

And I guess that is kinda the truth, if that's how you wanna look at it. But really, I am not a horrible judge of character. I always know exactly what kind of people I'm up against, as it is very hard to fool me. I just choose to see the good in people instead of the bad. I choose to give people chances that they may not deserve. But you know what - as selfish as it may sound, most of the time giving people these chances is just as much for my own benefit as it is theirs. 

 

...I mean so what if he ended up destroying my trust and turned out to be just another jackass in a sea of jackasses? He made me laugh and smile and I enjoyed my time with him before that - so it was worth it, right?

 

...So what if she ended up being my worst enemy in disguise and tried to tear my life apart one piece at a time...I still get kicks outta the dumb shit we experienced together, and I still laugh a bunch when I think the dumb shit she would say to me - so it was worth it too, right?

 

..So what if he left me for a skank that I thought was a good friend of mine...before that he was my very best friend and the sole person on this earth that I relied on and could always relate to - so those years we spent together were also worth it, right?

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe I'm not the dumb ass after all. Maybe if more people gave people chances they don't deserve instead of judging them, they might enjoy their timehop app as much as I enjoy mine. Maybe, just maybe, if people were less concerned with missing the pain...they wouldn't miss out on quite as many dances. 

Put Boozer In 3 And Ride.

It's Wednesday and I'm so bored that it's making my head hurt. Like, for real - I don't even have anything to say right now, I'm just trying to pass the time. How about that, this one is for my entertainment and not yours!


I guess the most recent blog worthy news from the castle on Drennon is that I finally have a mower, and thanks to my Uncle Mike's yard OCD I didn't even need a bush hog as predicted! Randaddy scored the fine machine from a dude named Boozer - keeping with the pattern of naming shit after who it came from, I've decided to call the ol' John Deere just that. Which works well because I sure don't plan to ever mow without a cold can of Coors. Ha. Anyhow, Randaddy & Madre delivered Boozer Friday and I'm pretty excited about the mower itself, not so much the catch. The catch being that I have to make the yard look "acceptable", and according to Randy the only way to  do that is to stripe it. LMFAO, he's telling this to the bitch that was perfectly okay with not mowing and just riding the four wheeler around in he yard all summer to smash it all down! Anyhow, have y'all ever tried to "stripe" a yard? It sure ain't as fun as ruttin' one up, I'll tell ya that! 


From what I remember from my "stripe" lesson, I'm supposed to plan out how I want my stripes, mow around the outside of the yard like three times to give myself room to turn around, and then mow one stripe at a time, back and forth and back and forth, side by side. Now, there are quite a few reasons why I'm guessing this ain't gonna happen but two of them really stand out...one being that I can't mow in a straight line for shit. Even when I try to mow in a square, it ends up all kinds of crooked. And two, this ain't one of those fancy schmancy mowers where you can just move the lever back and forth and it speeds up and slows down and goes into reverse...nope, gotta clutch that shit to switch them gears. I just can't see my fat ass clutching and switching gears two different times at the end of each and every stripe....especially since I've got damn near two acres to mow! I'm just gonna put a beer in the beer holder, put the earbuds in my ears, put boozer in 3 and ride. :)


A co-worker of mine just came in proclaiming "I'm baaaaaaaack!" and was very excited that he was "better" and able to come to work. I asked if he had recently been "bad" and he replied..."pink eye" and pointed at his left eye. What I need to know is this: did anyone else's mother ever tell them that you shouldn't look a person that has pink eye directly in the eye, because you'd catch it? or did my brain just make this shit up? I did look at his eye when he pointed at it and it's not pink anymore...but I still had that thought in the back of my head, even though I know that it isn't feasible. Also, since we are on the topic, I'd like to point out that one can catch the conjunctivitis, aka the pink eye, if someone farts bare assed on one's pillow. Just throwing that out here. :)  


And also, dog people - riddle me this... You know that my pretty Slimbo Jade has been a puppy enigma since they day she arrived at the castle. The girl has surprised me and baffled me over and over and at 8 months old, that still hasn't changed. She has definitely challenged her mother's ability to adapt and overcome - lucky for her little ass, I love her! Anyhow, my little girl is super smart... at 5 weeks old and 3 measly pounds she figured out how to climb up on the night stand in order to get herself in the bed with us. Loki Joe on the other hand, couldn't get his big ass in the bed on his own until he was 5 months old. Being as super smart as she proved to be, it was odd to me that I couldn't ever, for the life of me, get her to stop taking massive dumps in her kennel. On the other hand, my goofy Loki did really well in his. I never can tell which way shit is gonna go with these two shit heads, but I can always count on one of them to act a damn fool! Anyhow - what bothers me the most about Slimbo, what I just can't seem to understand...is how she can be such a hard ass feisty little girl that runs and plays and beats up on her brother one minute, and then have her tail tucked and terrified of everything the next? Literally, if I put a leash on her, she drops to floor and shakes....she won't walk on a leash for shit! She's not a fan of people coming up to her to pet her, she usually pees if a new person comes at her too fast...but eventually she will go up to new people on her own and does just fine. What in the hell is going on here? I'm thinking she might be crazier than I am! But anyway - anybody ever had a dog scared to be on a leash? Anybody ever figure out how to fix that? I think I might need Aunt Daphne's help on this pup too.


I guess I'm gonna go for now. I think I've said enough for someone who didn't have anything to say...I've somehow managed to find a meeting to go to for a half hour and that makes me happy because the phone is ringing on my last fucking nerve today! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.


Anyhow, I'll catch you fuckers later. :)

Thursday: Stuck, Cold, Suck Zone, Vacuum, Camouflage, Elbow Memo, Good Hair, Crow Bar, The End.

It's Thursday here at headquarters - that means my "work wife" is busy in meetings all day and I don't have anyone to blurt out random ass shit to for 8 hours. Her stupid meetings are negatively affecting my life and my relationship with Thursday. Thursday used to be my favorite - I'm sure it was just because it was Smack Down day and we used to all congregate at my house and drink 75 cent Colt 45 double deuces and then have our own wrestling matches in the living room floor - I would like to think there were other reasons for my fondness of the fourth day of the week...but looking back, I'm pretty sure that was it. I was just that damn cool back in the day. :)

I have this really fancy chair pad here at headquarters that plugs in and keeps my buns all warm and toasty. It's probably one of my most cherished possessions since I almost freeze up and bust twice a day. But check this out...every single time I go to move when it's plugged in, the cord is always wrapped around the legs of my chair a hundred times and it has me trapped under my desk. I'm sure y'all know by now that the crow has restriction issues and not being able to move just doesn't work out well for me, right? Right. So being trapped results in me having a small tantrum while I make my escape never so gracefully, and then I have to flip the chair up and unwind the damn thing. I swear this happens like 7 times a day. I know that it would be a lot cooler if I could tell you that it happens because I sit here and spin around in real fast circles in my chair all day long and have a big time - and I probably would do just that if I wasn't a victim of the dreaded motion sickness monster - but I really don't spin around, ever. So what the fuck is going on here, dudes? There's no logical reason for this chair pad to be fucking with me all the time. I'm thinking that we might have to go our separate ways. Would I rather be stuck, or cold? That is the question....

Also, here at headquarters they have hired a new guy whose sole purpose and only responsibility is to make sure our environment is a safe one to work in. This guy also happens to be a storm spotter, which I'm curious about. Like, what does one have to do to be considered a storm spotter? Because I can walk my fat ass outside and spot storms all day long. Hell, with all these windows around me that leave me completely susceptible to lightning strikes, I can keep my fat ass inside here and spot storms. Maybe he needs to check out my environmental safety now that I think about it! But really, I like to watch storms...I feel like I could do the whole Twister bit, travel the country with some crazies and a rigged up contraption, watch some shit fly around, try to avoid the suck zone. "These pipes go down at least thirty feet, if we anchor to them we might have a chance!" Ha! Anyhow...I told you that so I could tell you this....my "work best friend", who thinks I'm the absolute best thing since sliced bread and puts me in a headlock when she catches me slippin' to tries and kiss me because she "loves me loves me"...is probably the most dangerous thing in my environment right now, besides the windows. But really, if she runs me over with that vacuum one more time, I'm probably just gonna shit myself. Where's the damn safety dude when you need him? Prolly spottin' storms, right?

Speaking of my "work best friend", she seriously just asked me if I liked her camouflage jogging pants. Being he nice person that I am, I told her that I did like them. She explained to me that I "need to go get some at the dollar general". Oh, there's never a dull moment at headquarters. I really don't know how people choose to not work here.

So, I'm sure that you all have seen the new ink on the spacebook page, right? I'm pretty pumped about it. Anyhow - I would just like to throw out there that 5 hours is a LONG fucking time to be getting tattooed. Like, it really did start to test my patience. I didn't complain much at all because I'm a total hard ass but there were at least 2 separate occasions when I looked at Tattoo Kevin and said "oooooh, that feels like SHIIIIIIIIT." And he laughed at me - I guess it's common knowledge in the tattoo world that the area close to the elbow is the devil. I must have missed that memo! I was totally concerned that Tattoo Kevin was gonna suck figurative balls because that's my luck - you  know, that I'd have to spend 5 hours on a Saturday with a stranger in my bubble that was a fuckin' douche. But I was pleasantly surprised - he really didn't suck at all - he was actually very polite so having him in my bubble wasn't a problem. He even has a mouth like a sailor, just like me, so I didn't have to worry about dropping the f-bomb in casual conversation. Anyhow, the crappy stuff is starting to flake off and the sunflower is bright and awesome underneath. Keep your face to the sunshine, y'all. :)

I took a leap of faith on Tuesday and cut the hair AGAIN. Like I have hair to cut, right? Bitch ain't gonna be happy 'til she got a fade! LMAO, anyhow - A friend of mine got to posting and talking about pixie cuts on spacebook, and you know how my wheels get to turning and I can't make them stop. :) But - leap of faith - the cut I picked is completely different on one side than it is on the other, and I wasn't confident that my OCD would tolerate it...but thankfully - it's all good. actually, it's pretty damn snazzy. :) #goodhair

It seems as if a spontaneous Crow Bar event is going to take place Saturday night, a week prior to the grand opening, but that's how we roll. Who makes the rules here anyway? This girl does. :)  I'm anxious for the Smith Bar regulars to come see how they think the Crow Bar measures up. We've got some big shoes to fill...but I think drail, the chad and myself have done quite an amazing job. Did I tell y'all that the chad hung up a pink bar light? Yep, he sure did. Handier than a pocket knife. :)

I'll be tearing outta here early today - got a big Cedar Lake event taking place tonight and I've got a super hot date for it. :) Should be a big time...especially since we scored awesome outfits Monday. I guess I need to get some shit finished up now. If anything groundbreaking happens, I'll be sure to report.

Someone Entertain Me.

Ok, Wednesday - let's do this.


Not exactly sure what me and Wednesday are fittin' to do at this point - but I'm determined that something productive is gonna happen today. From the looks of my to do list here at headquarters, it's not gonna be anything at all before 4:00 pm. I really hate it when the boss man goes on big adventures and leaves me here to drown in my own boredom for weeks at a time. It's just not acceptable! Still got a couple days left to survive...gimme my boss back, dammit!


I think I'm gonna need to tan today, and then try to be productive at the castle if the rain will go away long enough. I really need to de-junk the yard. I'll never understand why people think that they require so much crap, I've been months trying to dig out from under the small portion of the hoard that the honky left behind...I guess in some instances - like, building kick ass bars in the garage and such - random junk does come in handy. But damn the hoard already, I'm gonna set it all on fire. :) One is going to have to mow soon, so one must prepare...and I'll be damned if I mow around bullshit again this year. Such is the life of a grown ass woman. :)


Speaking of mowing, the parentals scored me a trusty ol' John Deere mower that they plan to deliver this weekend. Word on the ridge is that it's even got a beer holder - now that's fancy right there! Y'all know me...I don't even give a shit if it mows, so long as it rides and doesn't spill my brewski when I hit creek rocks while I'm cruising & tanning. :) Hahaha...I can always ride the four wheeler around in a circle a bunch of times and smash the grass down like we did last year if it doesn't mow. I'm pretty versatile like that. :)


Looks as if I'm geared up to get that fancy schmancy sunflower tattoo that I've been trying to work out in my brain for several months. And ain't it funny that after months of planning this shit, I completely changed the game up yesterday on a whim and went with it. Spontaneity at it's finest!! That's the way of the Crow. :) But anyhow - looks like I'll be spending "at least 5 hours" at the tattoo shop on Saturday.  Pretty excited about that - been quite a bit of time since I've had some good quality ink therapy. The only thing that I'm not looking forward to is smelling like a baby's ass and itching without being able to scratch for a couple weeks. Oh well, beauty is pain, right? That's what I heard. I just hope this tattoo guy is as kick ass as Littlefield @ White Rabbit was - being as I have to spend a whole day with him in my bubble. But as long as I face the sunshine, I won't see the shadows, right? It's what the sunflowers do. :)


And speaking of people who aren't kick ass - I had a conversation with a coworker the other day that was about as dumb as the day is long. It makes me wonder if I really do have a "dumb ass" magnet lodged in me somewhere. I joke about this magnet all the time, but I feel like it make be for real. Anyhow, this coworker calls me and says: "Did my staff member drop of a time sheet to you Friday?" I said, "Nope." She says, "She told me that she left there with the receptionist." And I said, "Well, she did not leave it with me."  And then she says, "It was in an envelope addressed to so and so."  Please let me interject here that I had no way of knowing what was in said sealed envelope because I DID NOT open it as it wasn't addressed to ME.... So I reply, "Yep, someone did leave an envelope for so and so but I don't know that a time sheet was in it." She said, "Well, so and so didn't get it." I said, "Well, did so and so check her mailbox, because that's where I put it?" She said, "I don't know, how would I know that?" Same way I would have known what was in that sealed envelope, ya jackwagon!  Really y'all, I swear that I come to work in a good mood every day - I don't get pissy until the idiots happen. :)


I guess I'll be done for now. I've gotta decide what my fat ass might eat for lunch and stare at the walls for a few more hours.  Hell, I might read a book or see if Michele wants to thumb wrestle - you never can tell what the Crow might do - but honestly, I'll probably just sit here and yawn until my eyes water and my nose stops up.




We'll see ya. :)