Well Played, Honky.

In order to be a strong, courageous and independent woman - one has to be strong courageous and independent....right? I mean, you just can't claim to be all the above if you have to ask for help all the time - which is the reason that yesterday, I found myself staring right down the barrel of a task that gave me the weirds all the way around. Although I really didn't want to do it....I had no choice but to dig down deep into my strong, courageous and independent soul, drink a couple beers, and dive in head first.

Now, its common knowledge (to everyone except The Chad) that when the weather turns cold, it's a smart move to shut off the water to the outside spigot and drain the pipe so it does not freeze and bust, right? Last year when it was time for this happen, the honky I lived with was absolutely a turd about it. Just like everything else, shutting the damn spigot off seemed to be the end of the world for him. I'm pretty sure the task stayed on the honky-do list for about....three weeks. The Crow wasn't amused.

Now that its kinda-sorta spring and we've had some warm-ish days, I have found myself with a four-wheeler that's a hot mess and covered in record-breaking mud from a couple record-breaking snows. My Dirty Girl needs to be buffed up a scubby -  to say the least. However, in order for the Crow to buff the Dirty Girl - the Crow must first have a water hose.

I'm not saying that I'm total pussy when it comes to cold wet small enclosed places and all the creatures and bugs and spiders and snakes and shit that could potentially be lurking in the darkness...but yeah...actually that's exactly what I'm saying. Out of all the things in the world that give me anxiety, this task hit 85% of them right on the damn head. Crawling my fat ass under my house, and then all the way across the length of my house to the other end where the spigot is, turning the shut off valve, and then crawling my fat ass back across the length of my house - totally gave me pause.

So for days I thought about it, put it off, thought about recruiting someone else to do it, thought about it some more....but then yesterday I decided that if I was gonna be a grown ass woman, and be off on some grown ass woman shit all the time...I had to put on my grown ass woman hat and get it done. At this point I'm like, no wonder the honky didn't want to do this shit, this is gonna fuckin' suuuuuuuuuuck! Ha.

Anyhow, I threw on the coveralls, pulled on the shit kicker boots, found some gloves, couldn't find a flashlight but I decided the communicator would have to suffice, got the best friend in place to come in after me if I completely came apart - and in to the great unknown went the Crow. (And just to put some irony in the fire - whilst I was gearing up for this mission, the above-mentioned honky that used to live with me cruised by the house for no damn good reason that I can figure...almost as if he somehow knew what my fat ass was about to endure and wanted to bear witness.)

So I'm on all fours, crawling and breathing and cussing and sweating and shit, and I get as far as I could go in a straight line from point a to point b. I realize that I'm gonna have to take the scenic route around some drain pipes and concrete blocks and come up on the back side to reach my destination. I get all the way around and to the end of the of the house and I shine my communicator light on the pipe that I need to get my nasty dirty grubby hands on...and woe is me - I see no valve. I shine my light down the pipe as far as I can see from the position I was in...and I see no valve. So, with a "what the fuck?", I take the scenic route back around the pipes and blocks, get back to where I was and shine my light further down the pipe. Now here I am, barely holding my fucking bearings together, still better than halfway across the house with all the creatures and bugs and spiders and snakes and shit...and I can't find this motherfucker?! I decided that I needed to get close enough to the damn pipe to see the entire thing, because it had to be there somewhere. Frustrated, over the pipes and through the webs, to the fucking water pipe I go. And then there it is. I see it...the shut off valve that the honky himself installed and had tantrums over - was a whole three fuckin' feet from the damn crawl space door. Are you fucking kidding me? Well played, honky. Well fuckin' played.

After crawling my way back to the valve, turning it on, having the best friend turn on the spigot to be sure it worked, and then crawling my fat ass out of the crawl space - I decided that the Dirty Girl was gonna have to be muddy for a while longer because I had to get myself back together. And by get myself back together, I mean that I needed to ride bitch on the best friend's four-wheeler to the creek and drink a few beers to celebrate the fact that I had just proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am indeed....a strong, courageous, independent, grown ass fuckin' woman. I have most definitely got this shit. :)

Cough, Cough, Hack.

Don't look now, but it seems as if the Crow has managed to end up with nothing to do on a Friday....and that's pretty damn convenient because the Crow doesn't feel much like over-achieving today. It's a hard life out here for a smart kid with tuberculosis. Cough, cough, hack. But despite the fact that my lungs are currently well on their way to crapping out and killing me, I'm feeling pretty good about today. I don't have much to report...or maybe I have far too much to report and just don't feel like it? Either way - I can't promise that this blog will have a point. So be it.


I realize that its been a super long time since I wrote anything, you know how it goes - I go through dry spells. But damn - life has sure has jumped, flipped, landed on it's face, and picked itself back up again since the last time I reported anything groundbreaking. A wise old man once told me that I "bounce back quicker than most things made of flesh and bone", and by God, he's right. If life has ever taught me anything - it's that it always goes on.  Ain't no sense in crying over spilled beer, right? Anyhow, I took a stand and made some changes and wouldn't you know it, I found me again....I was right where I left me too.  :)

"If making you happy costs me my happiness, then I can't afford you."

I work with a woman that is nothing short of terrifying and she is absolutely my real life hero. When I grow up, I wanna be able to make people stand up straight just by walking past them...just like she does. :) Anyhow - shit got real here at headquarters yesterday and she had escort a couple people out...such a fearless leader she is! Long story short, my boss called her Rocky this morning...and she said "No, I wanna be the Patrick Swayze of Cedar Lake. Call me Dalton."  And I swear to Jesus, I love her even more because of that statement. I love Roadhouse! I wonder if it's on Netflix? :)

"All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice." - James Dalton

So, in the midst of all the above mentioned life changes & face plants - I have encountered and attached myself to the hip of an awesome soul who built me the best looking bar in the county out of random crap that had been hoarded at my castle. Its even strong enough to dance on. :)  I'm pretty excited to get The Crow Bar up and running so my favorite cool kids can come and kick it with me. The Smith Bar totally inspired me, and it will take me quite a while to catch up to their awesomeness... but thanks to The Chad, we're off to a damn good start. Got some bar furniture being delivered this weekend...y'all stay tuned for the grand opening! "The beer is free, just bring your own!" My gosh, we may need to have shirts made.

So, I experienced a first today. You'd think that at 31 damn years old, I'd be all out of firsts....but nooooooooo! Out of all the many years I have spent posting crazy shit on Facebook, today I was reported for an "offensive" image. I feel like 90% of my Facebook time consists of me trying to read between tit & ass shots...and today I get reported over a cartoon that included the word "vag"! Like, really? VAG is short for VAGINA and that's the proper word for the lady part! It's the proper fucking word, y'all! And it's offensive?! I feel like I need to start a campaign, "Anti-Sensitivity For President!" Because seriously, how does one exist in this cruel world on a daily basis if they can't read the word VAG without trippen?! It must be a tough, scary and boring life for them. I feel like I need to type VAG a whole bunch of times at the end of this blog just to retaliate. I've had enough sensitive already, sheesh.
 

I'm sure you all have read about and remember that I do not have a good relationship with the lunch ladies here at headquarters. I don't even believe that we should call them ladies! It never fails that every time I go in the damn dining room, I get hit with some shitty ass remarks...hell, even yesterday when I was on my tuberculosis death bed I got yelled at over soup that sucked! Cough, Cough, Hack! But just to shed some light on what we're dealing with here, below is a conversation that I overheard today while standing in the lunch line. It seems I'm not alone in my battle against the trolls after all....

Nice Lady:  I'll have a pork chop and cabbage, please.

Lunch Lady:  You want it all?

Nice Lady:  No, just a pork chop and cabbage.

Lunch Lady:  Do you want Lima Beans or Corn Bread?

Nice Lady: No, just a pork chop and cabbage.

Lunch Lady:  Why?! Are you on a diet or something?!


That rude shit is just unnecessary! Just give her what she asked for, you evil woman!

But anyhow, enough of my shenanigans for the day. I've gotta close up shop a little early because I get to be a judge at our 3rd Annual Chili Cookoff in a half hour or so. Oh, the perks of working for a non-profit organization - we totally get to have fun.  :)  

"VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG VAG!"

^^  The Crow's Revenge  ^^