I'm sure most of you have seen the facebook posts on my big accomplishment of the year. And yes, I'm predicting on February 11th that nothing else groundbreaking is going to happen for the whole rest of the year, and I really hope I am right. I need some peace. :)
Sooooooooo, have y'all ever bought a house? If you have, then you might understand. If you haven't, then my best advice is....don't. The house buying process ended up being the longest most drawn out, stressful two months of my whole entire life. Seriously, rent something. (And I'm saying that with my most serious, eyes bugged out and head nodding, face.)
It all started off kinda slow...I sold the trailerhut, paid off all my debt, went to the bank with general questions about buying a house, ended up pre-approved for $100k. Lol, I know right...$100k for the bitch who couldn't have scored a credit card to save her life a few short years ago! Grown ass woman shit, right there! Ha.
Anyhow, we looked around at different houses. Some were great but sold too fast. Some where great but the locations sucked. Some were weird with garages that were built on hillsides and supported by wooden beams in the back so that it wasn't even safe to park a car in. Some didn't qualify for our loan, some just didn't qualify period. But then, there was the one.
The one that had enough bedrooms, had enough bathrooms, had a fireplace, had an enormous garage, had just enough land, was just outside of town but not out in bum-fucked, Kentucky. I saw it, I claimed it, I called Nancye (<-- realtor) like, "this one, right here. I need to see it, right now." She says...."oooooh, that one had a contract as soon as it hit the market, but you should check this one out in Pendleton..." Bummer. So, we follow direction and on Thanksgiving Day we go to this other house. I'm telling ya what - I don't even know what the house was, for real. It was like someone took a very old single wide trailer and a newer single wide trailer and sistered them together, with a shit load of windows on one end. It was...well, interesting...but ultimately, it was a no.
So, back to the drawing board we went. Not really excited about any of our options, we continued to look and wait to see what happened to pop up. On Monday, December 9th I come in to work and I had an email from Nancye...it said that the house on Drennon was back available but not for long, and that I needed to call her ASAP. I called, she explained that something had fallen through with the previous buyer's contract, and HUD had kicked it out - she said that if we could manage to get out there, look at the place, and out-bid them before they redid their contract we would have a chance...aaaaaaaand so began the process. The long, drawn out, never ending, stressful, ridiculous process of buying a HUD home, with an FHA loan. Meh. 
So, we outbid them, and we won. I figured at this point the first people would burn the damn place to the ground before we could even buy it, because I would have been PISSED in their situation! Anyhow, on December 10th I signed the contract and instantaneously spun myself into a level of "stressed the fuck out" that I had never seen before. 
So, here's what I didn't know. I didn't know that from the start to the finish of the process, Elayne (<-- loan officer) would have her face all up in my financial koolaid. "Oh, you had a deposit that wasn't payroll for $89.99 on this date, I'll need a signed and dated letter stating what that is...Oh, and you deposited $45.00 on Wednesday too, include that." Yeah, I got reimbursed for work expenses, and got $45 refunded from my HRA? What the hell? "Oh, I see there are deductions other than taxes coming out of your paychecks, I'll need a letter stating what they are." Uhm, health insurance? Isn't that standard? Don't most people have insurance?! Don't you guys look at paystubs ALL the time?! Jesus take the wheel! ....and this was just the start. 
Then we had to have a structural inspection, and then we had to have a regular inspection. And then we were supposed to have a septic inspection couldn't be done because the house had known plumbing issues and the water couldn't be turned on. And then one week before my closing deadline they tell me that the loan value plus the down payment assistance I qualified for equaled more than 110% of the total value of the house, therefore they had to take some of that assistance away from me. So, now one week shy of my closing deadline, I've got to pull another $1,000 out of my ass to cover my much larger portion of the closing cost. Thank God for grandmother's with saving accounts that are willing to give me some cold hard cash in a pinch, and go through the headache of proving that they have the money, proving that they withdrew the money, obtaining a certified check, and then proving that they gave it to me by signing a big scary form. Shew.
And then, there was the homeowner's insurance that had guarantee replacement value. Again, I'm thinking this is a pretty standard procedure until I get the paperwork that says "....does not guarantee replacement value." Are you fucking serious?! I thought that was what insurance was? I mean, if not for replacement if the place blows the hell away, then what in the damn hell am I paying Kentucky Farm Bureau $780 dollars a year for? Anyone?! Uh, yeah. That was a royal pain in the ass, a big delay and yet another kick to the ol' pocket book. You know, no problem, let's just double that charge at the last minute too.
So, I literally talked to Elayne every single day for a month and a half. I talked to Nancye once a week for about 6 weeks. I jumped through about a million hoops, and I had about 15 come aparts. I had to have one 15 day extension on my closing deadline. All in all, I needed one big damn miracle to pull this shit off. Seriously, up until the day I was on the interstate headed to close, I was completely convinced that each next thing I had to tackle would be the one thing that I couldn't tackle. However, I managed. Actually, I linebacked that shit. :)
My first plan of action as a homeowner was to sit in the middle of the empty living room of the damn place and drink a bunch of beer. And then, if I still felt the need, my second plan of action was to kick a damn dent in the garage door for all the pain and suffering the place had caused me before I ever even owned it. But really what happened was, Madre and Randaddy bought me a bottle of Flat Rock Red, Coley brought over some vintage can Miller Lite, and I didn't kick anything. :)
And now that we are there, and (almost kinda) settled, I think it's time to send some shout outs to several people for all they have done to assist us in reaching this big, ground breaking milestone...
Christopher - thanks for not shanking me in the eye or shoving me down a flight of steps during the whole process. you took the brunt of all the stress, and even though there was a slip or two, you handled me quite well.
Madre - thanks for telling me each and every time that I called you with a new hurdle that it was all going to be okay. even when you didn't know how the hell it was going to be okay, you convinced me that it would be. thanks for helping me move for several days, and thanks for renting us the uhaul.
Randaddy - thanks for checking out all the super important components of the house, for teaching me how a furnace works, for letting me use the cool little pen that lights up when you stick it in the plug...I always wanted to do that! Thanks for yelling at me every time I sat down on moving day, thanks for taking the doors off the fridge, and thanks for offering to help with anything that needs to be done.
Alice - thanks for allowing me to dig my gubby paws into your savings account without question when the shit hit the fan! without your kindness we couldn't have pulled it off, and we appreciate what you did for us soooo much!
Tesler - thanks for being the packing, taping, labeling person...you rocked ass on moving day! thanks for even packing christopher's old crusty panties, i'm so glad you guys were able to bond over dirty laundry and I'm sorry we caused your feet to swell. :)
Obie - thanks for being our box coordinator, and humoring us while we busted ass. You're input on which box would fit where was greatly appreciated. :)
Angie - thanks for allowing us to load up the danger ranger, and for giving me a great plan of action to get everything moved. one room at a time! thanks for coordinating placement inside the uhaul, and thanks for making room for that damn fishtank! :)
Ricky - thanks for bringing the truck and the trailer and managing to get most of our outside crap moved at once! thanks for crawling around under the house with Christopher and fixing water pipes, and thanks for stopping and getting our trash can too. :)
Coley - thanks for allowing me to throw a million hefty bags in the back of your new ride. and thanks for hauling that one important box from point a to point b. thanks for staying throughout the duration of the move, and buying us a Beast at the end of the day. :)
Tracy - thanks for helping us unload all 9 vehicles and for providing encouragement along the way!
Chris - thanks for providing an extra set of muscles and helping us unload!
Scott - thanks for helping us back that damn trailer into the garage and helping us unload it. also, thanks for asking Angie if she was okay before dying laughing when she fell in the hole!
Michele - thanks for allowing me to have tantrums in your office and bang my head against your desk when needed. I'm sure you wanted to tell me to go the hell away but you never did, and for that I thank you as well! thanks for also covering me when I had to be off work!
Alex - thanks for allowing me to bitch and rant and rave to you every time you came upstairs, and for continuing to keep tabs and ask how things were going even when I am sure you were tired of hearing about it!
We are very lucky to have such awesome people fighting in our corner, and I'm telling you right now that there couldn't have been a more kickass convoy traveling from Booker Pike to Drennon Road, 9 vehicles deep! We're still planning on having that dirty 30/housewarming/thank you party on March 1st! We hope that all of you can come enjoy this house that we worked so hard to get, and help us celebrate our big accomplishment!
Mi Casa es Su Casa, y'all!
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