Christmas Crawl 2013

The Chronicles of Crowens has officially hit 5000 views! 5047 to be exact! That's fuckin' awesome y'all. It still baffles me that y'all read this shit like ya do...but I guess someone has to provide entertainment, right? I really do feel a little bit famous, though. But fair warning, today the bossman revoked my knitting at the desk privilege, so I predict that there will be a lot of writing in my near future. Hope y'all are ready to read some shizzle!

Me and the boys had ourselves a grand ol' Christmas. It was quite the task but our "Christmas Crawl" was just as successful as the "Turkey Crawl" we pulled off on Thanksgiving. We didn't even have to time warp, and that's always a plus! We were up and at Scotty's house by 7:30 am, and the visiting continued on well into the evening! The only thing about Christmas this year that absolutely sucked...was Nestor.

(Back Story) When I worked for the farm book, it was pretty hard to have Christmas spirit. For the last few years that I was there, from Black Friday up to Christmas Eve, we had to work from daylight to dark for the farm apparel store pulling, packing and shipping thousands of packages, answering thousands of phone calls just to hear people bitch about the orders that they weren't going to get on time, and yell at us about how we had single-handedly ruined their whole damn Christmas, over and over and over and over, even though we weren't the ones responsible for the lack of inventory that we had been selling online to people nationwide. It was a pretty treacherous job to have during the holidays, let me tell ya! Anyhow, one particular year when I was all bah-humbug about it, Dani Wells drew me a picture of a Jackass wearing a Santa hat, and to the side it said "Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey"...I had never heard the story of Nestor, and when I questioned it she had me look it up. (Click here for the Story of Nestor, if you aren't familiar!) I was immediately in love with the nice little gentle-eyed donkey from the bible, and I was suddenly full of Christmas Spirit! It was sort of a Christmas Miracle! Every Christmas since then I've made it a point to stop at the Living Nativity Scene in Bethlehem and give treats to the Donkey that they have playing the role of "Nestor", just because I love him so. 

So I told ya that story to tell you this story: This year, Nestor was quite the Christmas Ass, in every sense of the word! Normally, he is super sweet. He lets me pet him and takes pictures with me, and he's pretty much the coolest donkey in the history of ever...but this year - he kept shooting us the stank eye (see picture to the right), he wouldn't come close enough for us to pet him except for when we were trying to give him apples, and even then he wasn't cool about it. He was pretty scary when taking the apples out of our hands, and when the apples were gone he was immediately back up against the wall where we couldn't reach him. Every time we tried to touch him, she shrugged us off rather smart assly. He was not the Nestor that I know and love from the bible. I don't know what happened to the other donkey, but as you can see, this donkey totally doesn't have gentle eyes! Needless to say, we left pretty disappointed that we'd encountered a devil donkey on Christmas Day. It was rather lame, if you ask me. 

We are now gearing up for New Year's and I, for one, absolutely cannot wait for 2013 to be over! It's been a year full of trials, tribulations and lessons learned...but it has put me in good standing to knock 2014 out of the park! I've got some big things in the works - I won't disclose them just yet, but I promise that everyone of you asshats who ever doubted me will be surprised. Swing batta batta, swing! :) 

I hope that each and every one of you get to ring in the New Year with your most favorite people, just like I plan to do! Bottoms up & be safe! I'll holler at y'all next year! :)

Jolly Bunch Of Assholes.

It seems as if the boys and I have the weakest immune systems in Shelby County. We just can't seem to catch a break - one of the three of us has been sick and/or injured for the last four months, and that's no bullshit! With Chris and his faulty gallbladder, and Damion with his falling off the "bouncy thing" tendencies - we really don't have room for stomach viruses and lung infections and all that shit on Booker Pike. But, welcome or not - this crap keeps right on showing up. I think we all need medical masks, daily overdoses of  Vitamin C, and pocket sized cans of Lysol. Let the record show that I most definitely threw up and threw my back out Friday morning. You see me walking crooked in the near future, don't laugh - it could've been worse. At least I didn't shit myself. :)

Speaking of that dag-blasted gallbladder, I'm not sure if I officially announced that it is GONE! I hope the doctor who removed it dropped kicked it against the wall when finally got it out, because given the chance, I would have! Anyhow, Chris recovered very well from the surgery and feels tons better - the day he came home from surgery he ate more than he had in a week and it didn't put him out of commission! It's was a very victorious day! He's such a hard ass, I wish I was as tough as him - he totally refused to let the surgery get him down and he stayed up and moving during the whole recovery. He looked a bit like Frankenstein with 9 staples in 4 different spots - but other than than he rocked right on despite missing an organ. Side note ---> if anything super flickted ever happens to me in your presence, please pass up Jewish in Shelbyville and take me straight to Norton Brownsboro...and for pete's sake don't let them staple me! I know it's weird coming from a girl with a stud in her face but something about being STAPLED gives me the damn heebeejeebee's... *shudder*. 

In my last blog I introduced our two newest creatures, and I'm sad to report that we are down to one new creature. Being as Christopher is a bully and likes to pick on everyone in the house, humans, canines, and rodents alike - he accidentally let Ratatouille out of the cage whilst trying to disturb his secret hiding place inside the cage. We tried to re-catch him but you know how little sketched out crackhead mice are - fast and crazy. *Sigh* Anyhow, Mr. Jingles has since ransacked the cage - he's moved all the bedding into the wheel and just made a mess of the place. I'm not sure if he misses Ratatouille or if he's pissed that Ratatouille escaped without him. Either way - our mouse duo is down to one. 

Now this is a tad off subject - but it is what it is. Saturday, Christopher and I met up with the Parentals at a little dive in CBG to eat and listen to a band for a bit. Fried pickles were amazing and the band was as good as they ever were. Now, my question is this: As a female, why in the world would you wear stilettos to a hole in the wall bar? I'm sure that when this particular girl left the house she looked cute. And had she went to, say...Fourth Street Live - she probably would've remained cute the entire night. But her destination for the night was Freeman's Kountry Korner Kafe...I mean really, even the spelling of the place's name is redneck as hell, it has wooden floors with cracks between the boards that pose a drunk-in-heels hazard right out of the gate, it's heated by tall ass propane heaters and has a gravel parking lot...I'm just saying - it's not that classy.  Your shit-kickin' ass cowboy boots would do ya just fine in this situation, probably do ya even better if a bar fight commenced and you needed to jump ship with a quickness. I feel like there is a time and a place for every style of shoe...and if for some reason you can't figure out which ones go where - a nice set of chuck taylor's totally have the ability to handle most situations competently and no one is going to hate you for rockin' 'em. Seriously ladies, take note. The chucks may very well save you an ankle. <--- my best advice toward saving the world today. :)

I've come to the conclusion today that I try too hard to have good hair. I took a bath last night, slept on my hair wet, got up this morning...and barely took the time to straighten out the kinks and the cow lick...otherwise I just left the shit flying. 3 times already, people have commented on how they love what I've done with my hair. Ain't that something? I sure ain't did shit! :)

Me and my Suter boys are in good standing to have a splendiferous Christmas, and we hope when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down your chimney tomorrow night that he finds the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse! ---> cool points to the first one who recognizes that quote! :) My kitchen and my living room have been taken over by Christmas trees and Christmas presents, and just like on Thanksgiving our schedule for the next few days is absolutely laughable! We've got our ugly sweaters ready, and we can't wait to see everyone, including my favorite long-eared Christmas Ass, Nestor...from the bible. :) The Owens' family tradition of "Christmas Whiskey" shall kick off the festivities tomorrow night - we will most certainly be a jolly bunch of assholes when Santa makes his way to Eminence!

Alright then, so I guess that's enough mumble jumble for you guys today! I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas and enjoys their time with those they love! We most certainly will! Just a few more days of 2013, and we will be well on our way into 2014 - the forecast for 2014 includes nothing but sunshine for this girl...y'all better locate those shades in advance. :)

State Of The Union Address.

Well, hello again fine folks! This is ol' jcrow here, stopping by to provide a progress report from headquarters. We've got some big stuff going on, you may want to sit down for this. :)

Thursday, Christopher and I decided to turn our kitchen into a small time bakery. We were standing there at the counter whipping up some tasty treats, and this wee little mouse ran out on to the sink and stopped and just looked at us. He was a brave little mouse, not scared of us at all. He had gotten into some water somewhere and his fur was all frazzeled and he had one little beady squinty eye - totally reminded me of Scrat on Ice Age. Anyhow, I laughed and was like, "...would you look at that little crackhead mouse?!" We stood there for a while checking him out, going on about how darn cute he was. In the short amount of time that we remained in the kitchen following his grand little crackhead entrance -  he ran back and forth from under the foreman grill to the sink to watch us several times...we were quite tickled with this brave little fella and his little mouse antics. :)

Friday, I came home from work and the little crackhead mouse was in a mason jar with some cotton balls on the kitchen table...Chris had caught him after he jumped into the sink and couldn't get back out, and made him a little temporary home. I was so excited! I've wanted to have pet mice for quite a while, and although I had previously decided that their names would be Costigan & Costello...we decided that since this little guy was all about our baking scene, he should be called Ratatouille. 

Saturday, I went Christmas shopping with Madre & Tesler and we stopped at the Feeder's Supply on Brownsboro Road. They had these kickass little rodent houses on sale, so I brought home a new home for Ratatouille. One would not think that a mouse would have so much personality, but this guy - oh he's full of it. We spent most of Saturday night sitting on the couch, watching Ratatouille jump and climb and run in the wheel. Yeah, we are just THAT cool on a Saturday. :)

We also decided Saturday night that we would bait another little baby mouse so that Ratatouille would have a roommate. It didn't take long for a chocolate covered pretzel to lure another one into the sink, and viola! We've got ourselves a Mr. Jingles. :)