Duct Tape?

I'm positive that I have an idiot magnet in me. (<---please take note of that clever shit right there: positive & magnet, in the same sentence...brilliance.) 

I've decided that most people are either too lazy use their God-given brains, or that the majority of people are just born stupid. A wise man once said that you can't fix stupid, not even with duct tape... but I sure feel like I could shut some folks up with a nice fresh roll. 

So, here at headquarters - we've got a shortage of HR personnel. It's like a drought. We've seriously gone from an 8 man team down to a 2 man team in a matter of months. Needless to say, there's a lot of crap to do and not very many folks left to do it. With that being said, I've been nominated for and accepted some HR duties temporarily until the team recruits some more players. No big deal - I'm smart, I can push these papers all day long. Here's the trouble: the temporary lady that has stepped in from an outside company to be our HR's Head Honcho - isn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box. I mean, the lights are on - but I'm looking around and I'm thinking that nobody's home. Usually after about three dumb occurrences with one person I tend to apply a different attitude when interacting with them, and for the record that attitude does include a permanent look on my face that could damn near spell "WTF" all by itself. And that's where I'm at with this woman. WTF.  

The first dumb occurrence happened the day I met Honch. She had been in an office that's close to my desk working on some things. She marched out of the office over to my desk, and asked me if I would walk some papers down to Health Services for her. First thing's first, they were HER papers that SHE needed to get across the building...to me, that meant it needed to be HER little happy feet that took them there. Second thing's second, I'm chained to this desk. I have to have coverage to go pee. I've got a phone to answer and a door to watch - can't very well do either one of those things from across the building. To do that for her, I would have had to track someone down to come sit at my desk and do my job so that I could then, and only then, go do hers. uh, NERP! Anyhow, I explained this second thing business to her...and she says to me again, "Sooooo, you can't just run this down there for me?" Jesus Earl Crest. I give up. I quit life. 

After that occurrence, I was giving the temporary responsibilities and in turn, ended up having to kinda work for Honch a little. They wanted me to help schedule interviews, help with job postings, and help with getting the new hire's paperwork down to the business office. All sounded easy-peasy to me - but first I would need to be shown the proper way to do such things, and be given the resources to do them. Honch was supposed to call me that Thursday and go over the ins and outs but she never called. THEN, she needed me. And guess what? I couldn't help her. And THEN she needed me again, and...I still couldn't help her. And THEN she calls my boss. OH NO, HONCH DIDN'T?! Oh Yes, Honch did. 

Honch tells my boss that she thinks I'm too overwhelmed by the HR duties, and that she doesn't believe that I'm a good candidate to cover the things that they asked of me, because every time they'd asked for help I hadn't been available. Of course, my boss (who is the first boss I've ever had that I didn't want to push down a flight of stairs), straight went to battle for me. He told her that if was lacking in an area then it had to have been because I wasn't properly trained, because for almost two years I'd gone above and beyond and exceeded his expectations in EVERYTHING he'd EVER asked of me. BOOYAH, HONCH! Anyhow, I ended up reassuring the boss man afterwards by letting him know that she had failed to call me to go over things like she said she would, and that I had emailed her not once, not twice, but FOUR different times asking her to provide me with the resources I needed to help. Get the hell outta here, woman.

So at this point, I'm pretty frustrated with her. Hell, who am I trying to kid, if I wasn't required to be nice, she would have already been told a little something about herself. So for a few weeks, I did my HR duties. And then, after that few weeks, I get an email that says: "Oh, you aren't doing this right. You're supposed to do it this way. Put this number on it here. Change this. And do that." Meh. Merp. Ugh. Then, after that fashionably late and high quality emailed training course, I was able to start doing the things the "right" way, three weeks into it. Last week, I sent down the first batch of "right" paperwork, according to Honch's new standards. I even stated in the email that the paperwork now included the correct number in the correct spot and was done exactly the way she requested. She replies back to me, "Did you include the number?" Holy shit. Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? Someone shoot me.  And this lady makes the big bucks. Yeah, y'all chew on that shit for a while. 

And then today, a delivery guy called me because he was supposed to deliver a copier and (...wait for it...) HE  DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THE REAR OF THE BUILDING WAS. I'm being for real y'all, you can't make this shit up. So I sat there for a second or two, remembering that I'm required to be nice, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out a way to answer that question without coming across as a complete ass. Like, what do you even say that? The only thing I could come up with was, "Drive around the building and I'll have someone flag you down." There's totally no hope for humanity.

So, in the future, if you see me somewhere and I'm violently slamming my head into something, it will be because the general public finally drove me insane. And when you see this happening, please do me a solid and duct tape my ass something before I manage to hurt myself? I'd totally return the favor. :)

Life's A Garden. Dig It. :)

Y'all know what? I don't have a reason to write today! But sometimes when I don't have a reason I write the best stuff. Funny how that works, ain't it? So...it's Wednesday here at headquarters. I've got the Spotify fired up and the heat on, watching it rain and jammin' the Little Big Town playlist. (however, the playlist is named "Little Big Dog" - no one will understand this except for Brittany!) Honestly, I could rock Little Big Town's The Road To Here album all the way through, all day long and never get tired of it. Serious business. 

And speaking of Little Big Town, let us reminisce! When I was 22 and Brittany was 21, we tore out to see "Little Big Dog" perform on a Hot Country Night at 4th Street. That was such a Little Big Time! We did or normal "throw 'bows to the front" routine, and this one chick yelled at us. It was pretty hilarious. She wasn't happy when I smiled and belittled her with: "Oh no, sweetie. You're not gonna yell at US because we don't intend on stopping here. I promise that we won't be in YOUR way for long!" And then we carried on, closer and closer to the front. However, we were lucky enough to notice when the girl that yelled at us barfed everywhere and had to be carried out by her buddies shortly after. I guess all that yelling was a direct result of liquid courage. Oh, such a good time we had pointing at her and laughing. We had way too much fun the summer Brittany turned 21. :)

So, it never fails that I spend all year looking forward to my Pumpkin Party. And then the week before the Pumpkin Party I completely stress out and get all uptight and overwhelmed trying to put it all together. (not as much this year as last year, because last year we had to move the party at the last minute due to circumstances that were beyond our control - I'm not pointing any elbows at JESSICER DALE though!) But then when it all starts coming together, and I start getting RSVPs from all my favorite people, I start to get really anxious and excited -> that's where I'm at right now. I'm so exited to see everyone that I can't hardly stand it. (Special shout out to Christopher for mowing, weed-eating, cleaning up the yard and porch, doing all the dishes and all the laundry yesterday! Thank you so much gorgeous!) Anyhow, we'll see all you cool kids Saturday! And don't forget to BYOP! :)

So, one of my coworkers, who I normally refer to as my "work best friend" to avoid HIPPA troubles...came up to me a few minutes ago and said, "your hair is long" - which it's not. And after a brief pause she continued..."it's long and it's messy...it's not pretty when it's messy." - well, by God! The girl doesn't and dishonest bone in her body! And now I feel all bad about myself, and I want my mommy. Hmph, lookin' like I look on a Wednesday at work. :)

And, Jessicer Dale will love this...I just had a Wild & Wonderful Whites Of West Virginia moment. Michele went to pick us up some lunch from Wendy's and I asked her to get me a chicken sammich and coke zero, which it plainly states on their online menu that they have. Michele calls me, and guess what? They don't have coke zero - just nasty ass diet coke. I hung the phone up and was like, "Why's it on your sign if you don't have it?!". Ha! Sue Bob at her finest! :)  And then Michele gets here with my sammich and it has not one, but TWO freakin' tomatoes on it. Now, that's just a little out of line. Pretty craptastic, if you ask me. :) Geez, now I'm just being silly. 

There are far more exciting things happening right now, but I'm not going to disclose them to the general public until I know for sure that it's not gonna fall through and slap me in the face. I just hope this good karma train keeps rollin' round these parts. We're on a good run here, we need it to keep on, keepin' on. Life's a garden, dig it?

....bye y'all, bye y'all! :)