You know, sometimes I can sit here and answer 250 phone calls a day and not even have to use to my brain to do it. I can tune out everything except the name of the person the caller needs, match up the name with the extension number and never miss a beat....and boom bitches, it's a wrap.
Some days, it's takes all I've got to even make myself reach for the receiver when it rings. 85% of you fartknockers that call here are hands down, no questions asked, no way to sugar coat it, plain and simple - phone idiots. Some days, the other end of the line just sucks the life right out of me.
So let's talk about this, y'all. Here are 5 different scenarios that I battle through, numerous times, every. single. day.
"I missed a call from there." *crickets*
Okay, and? There are roughly 90 phones in this damn building and they all have the ability to make an outside call. Actually, there's 88 phones, and I know because I counted the son of a bitches, but that's not the point. The point is, if you don't have a damn clue which of those 88 phones called you, chances are - I don't either. But yes, oh yes, I will help you Forrest Gump your damn way through this situation.
"Do you know anyone who works here?" No.
"Do you have a family member that lives here?" No.
"Have you applied for a job here recently?" OH! YES! THAT'S IT!
Fuck my life.
"I need to talk to my girlfriend, Jane Doe."
I'm sure the culprit of this one is the fact that cell phones are considered to be illegal devices, contraband if you will, here at headquarters. So rather than risk getting fired over the illegal communication device, might as well have your overbearing, clingy, controlling ass old man just call the main line so I can deal with him too! Why not? Works for me!
"Do you know which suite she normally works on, or what class she's usually in?" No.
Great, so let me stop what I'm doing and page for her, wait for her to call me back from wherever she's at, so I can then hang up with her, pick your call back up and transfer you down to her....all so you can make sure her sheisty ass is at work where she belongs. My guess is that you're probably calling from the phone she isn't allowed to have, while you're probably out blowing her money and running all the gas out of her damn car!
10 minutes of my life wasted.
(Now, I understand that the every once in a while calls may due to sick children, or things that are actually important...but those ones that call all the time, every day - yeah - those are the ones.)
"This is Joe, calling on a recorded line, can I speak to Jane Doe?"
Bill collectors are the devil. It takes a special kind of asshole to sign up for that job.
I always ask, "Is this a personal call?"
And they always lie, "No, it's a business matter."
Okay, well good. Now that we got that out of the way...I explain that we are a healthcare facility, that the person they need is in our direct care department, and that they can't be pulled off the floor to take personal calls.
And they always try again, "It's not personal, it's business."
Okay, well good. Now that we go that out of the way...I always ask what the matter at hand is exactly, so that I can transfer them to someone who is not in our direct care department and can surely help them just the same. Then they get mad, sometimes talk shit, and then hang up on me - like I'm the asshole.
"I've been trying to call Jane down at the main office for about an hour and I can't get ahold of her."
And again, I normally just reply with "Okay?"
And I get, "Can you tell me if she is in?"
Uhm, no, because you just called me on a totally different number, at a totally different location that is 45 minutes northeast of where she is. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do if she isn't answering her phone, because you know what, you damn tool-shed, the only way I have to get in contact with her is to CALL HER as well. No super duper walkie talkies, no way to send super power telepathic messages, no go-go gadget eyes to see into her office from here. I'm all out of options to help instantly gratify you if the phone doesn't work.
But you know what, I will send an email for you - in addition to the voicemail that you have left already - with the same damn message in it that you have left on the voicemail already, and we will see if that helps to get you a call back any sooner? Chances are, she'll get them both at the same time and it won't help at all - but by God, I'll do it for ya.
"I need to speak with nurse Jane."
"Okay, do you happen to know which nurses station she is in?" No, but I do have an extension number. Oh, bless your pea pickin' heart! That's awesome! Please, by all means, provide me with that fantastic information!
But tell me....why didn't you just ask to be connected to that extension in the first place?!
This type of shit right here folks, is why you will never...ever...see me happy to answer my own damn phone on my own time.
And also why very, very few of you will ever actually succeed at getting me to answer the damn thing, happy about it or not.
Serious business, especially on days like to day - if that shit ain't textable.......you better just let it go.
